Un-Written Rulebook vs. Evan LongoriaPosted: May 10, 2010
All Rise! The questionably honorable, Morgan “This is getting really old and so is your act” Ensberg is presiding.
Attendees in the courtroom: F-You Ensberg!
Morgan: Order! Order in this court! Any more outbursts like that and I’ll hold you in contempt of court!
Attendees in the courtroom: I’ve got something you can hold!
Morgan: Who said that?
Attendees: Nobody. This is all in your head. You’re typing this down pretending like this is real.
Morgan: Good point. Well let’s get to it. It says here in my imaginary docket that we need to go over another un-written rule in baseball. Is that right?
Attendees: Fo’ Sho’, Fo’ Sho’!
Morgan: Cool. Will someone please read the un-written rule that is in question?
Bailiff: We, the people of the United States of America, in order to form a more perfect Union….
Morgan: Wait a minute! You are reading the Preamble to the Constitution. Please read the case pertaining to the un-written rules of baseball.
Bailiff: Certainly. Got carried away there….flashed backed to 5th grade. Oh….here it is. We the fans of baseball question Evan Longoria with breaking the un-written rule that you are not allowed to break up a no-hitter with a bunt. The play in question was during the Mother’s Day game between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Oakland Athletics on May 9, 2010.
Morgan: Thank you Bailiff. Mr. Longoria how do you plea?
Longoria: This is bush! This isn’t even a real court! Who are you?
Morgan: You shut your mouth when I’m talking to you Fake Longoria!
Longoria: What does that even mean?
Morgan: I don’t really know. I heard Robert De Nero say it in A Bronx Tale. How do you plead?
Longoria: Who even said that it was an un-written rule?
Morgan: It was this dude, Kevin Kaduk over at Yahoo Sports who alluded to a possible violation.
Longoria: Why isn’t Kaduk on trial here?
Morgan: Because your fake attendance to this fake trial will get more readers to my blog.
Longoria: Dude this is stupid.
Morgan: Please just plead guilty or not guilty.
Longoria: What are you going to do? Send me to imaginary jail? Who is in there? The Joker? How about those 3 guys from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland? You know, the guys trying to get the keys to the jail from that dog? What…you going to put me in Monstro’s belly with Pinocchio and Geppetto? Can I make a phone call to Matlock?
Morgan: Arghhh. Just plead for cryin’ out loud!
Longoria: Not guilty.
Morgan: Thank you. Now Mr. Longoria, what was the situation that caused you to bunt?
Longoria: 5th inning. I was leading off. We were down by 4. The A’s third baseman, Kevin Kouzmanoff was back. So I tried to bunt.
Morgan: Mr. Longoria, you bat 4th for the Rays and you are also on the cover of MLB’s 2K10 video game. Did you know that guys who are on the cover of sports games are supposed to be big run producers, not bunters?
Longoria: I was trying to get on base. It was the 5th and they were giving it to me. Besides I tried…it went foul….so I tried to hit and ended up striking out. No big deal.
Morgan: Ok. I will adjourn to my chambers and come back with a verdict. Forget that. I already know the answer. Mr. Longoria, please rise.
Longoria: I don’t feel like it. Just read the decision.
Morgan: In the case of the Un-Written Rulebook vs. Evan Longoria, I find you not guilty of breaking any un-written rule.
The key element is that you were leading off the 5th inning with plenty of game left. Being down 4 runs still allows your team to tie that game with one hit if the bases become loaded. Kouzmanoff was giving you the bunt. There was no reason for you to think that your team, the Rays, could not win at this point.
Mr. Longoria I actually think that this decision took some baseball savvy. You are showing your commitment to win a game and that is all a team can ask of their leader. Of course nobody needs to tell you that every single game counts when you play in the American League East. I wish you good luck the rest of the season.
Longoria: This is easily the stupidest thing that the fake me has ever been a part of. I’m going to take a fake vacation to fake Tahiti.
Morgan: This court is adjourned!