The Story Behind the “Altuve”Posted: September 6, 2012
Like many overnight successes, the origin of the unit of measure known as the “Altuve” has been around since 1997. It has only been recently that Jose Altuve, a giant of Lilliputian proportions, was in the right place at the right time.
I would like to take you back to the father of the “Altuve” so that we can not only understand this phenomena, but to also to see how height influences society and our understanding of basic human interaction. That’s a lie. I’m just going to tell you how the “Altuve” was invented.
What is an “Altuve”?
The International Bureau of Weights and Measures (IBWM) defines the Altuve as follows:
The International Bureau of Weights and Measure has never heard of the “Altuve” and thinks that using a Venezuelan Second Baseman as a unit of measure is stupid.
Ok. Lesson learned. We now know that the International Bureau of Weights and Measures can’t be trusted.
Since we can’t trust the IBWM, just like we can’t trust the BCS because that stupid computer gave the USC Football team the number two ranking although Alabama did look tough against Michigan and LSU has amazing athletes once again, not to mention that SC will have to get by a solid Stanford team and the circus that is Oregon who has so many combinations of uniforms that they have to use the Goncharov conjecture to decide what color they are, we will go to the only place that can be trusted, Wikipedia.
Inspired by broadcasters debating how many “Altuves” a particular home run traveled, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…
Geez! Here is the definition:
The “Altuve” is an unit of measure that represents the height in feet of Houston Astros Second Baseman, Jose “THE Altuve” Altuve.
Exodus is to Genesis, as the “Altuve” is to …
The father of the “Altuve” is now a firefighter in Ventura County, Ca. Known only to those players on USC’s, the same USC whose alumni are not actually ok with Lane Kiffin running out on Tennessee even though we could all understand that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be Head Coach at SC but still you have to make high character decisions because you are teaching young men how to be men and one guy who is doing a great job of leading is Heisman candidate Matt Barkley whose twitter is @MattBarkley, Trojan National Championship Baseball Team of 1998.
Most people walk by the father of the “Altuve” without knowing. Not even the father himself knows that he is the “chosen one.” It is now time to reveal to all who this man is. His name is Jeff DePippo and he is the original “DePippo.”
The Unit of Measure: the “DePippo”
Standing 5’7″ tall, Jeff DePippo is one of the biggest competitors I have ever met. He is a master of both parlor and backyard games. Play him in pool, darts, spades, ping-pong, heads up seven up, canasta, go fish, monopoly, or beer pong and he will kindly destroy you. If you rather try your hand outside at games like croquet, frisbee, lawn darts, bocce ball, four square, tether ball, corn hole, butts up, or hide and go seek and you will be annihilated. His talents are legendary.
The Baseball House
In 1997 six of the baseball players lived in a house off campus. Obviously this would turn out to be the place where everyone hung out.
One day I noticed Jeff DePippo walk by our teammate Carlos Casillas. Now Carlos, brother of Oscar, of the “fighting Casillas Brothers,” is a 6’5″ monster.
As he passed I looked next to teammate, Brian “Fog” Vieira and said,
Would you say that ‘Los’ is one in a half or two DePippo’s tall?
And with that one question, the unit of measure, the “DePippo” was born.
For those of you who don’t know, I am a co-host on SiriusXM MLB Radio. My partner, Mike Ferrin, who has done a “Kiffin” and left me for a better time slot on SiriusXM with Jim “I’ll take who I want to thank you very much” Duquette on Power Alley weekdays and you can follow Mike on twitter @MikeFerrinSXM, and I were doing a show last year and Jose Altuve came up.
Mike kept saying how good this Altuve kid was and that he was only 5’6″ tall. So after Mike was finished swinging from Altuve’s “nuts”, I explained the story of Jeff DePippo and suggested we do the same with Jose Altuve.
Mike agreed and the “Altuve” unit of measurement was born.