Un-Written Rulebook vs. Evan Longoria

All Rise!  The questionably honorable, Morgan “This is getting really old and so is your act” Ensberg is presiding.

Attendees in the courtroom: F-You Ensberg!

Morgan: Order!  Order in this court!  Any more outbursts like that and I’ll hold you in contempt of court!

Attendees in the courtroom: I’ve got something you can hold!

Morgan: Who said that?

Attendees: Nobody.  This is all in your head.  You’re typing this down pretending like this is real.

Morgan: Good point.  Well let’s get to it.  It says here in my imaginary docket that we need to go over another un-written rule in baseball.  Is that right?

Attendees: Fo’ Sho’, Fo’ Sho’!

Morgan: Cool.  Will someone please read the un-written rule that is in question?

Bailiff: We, the people of the United States of America, in order to form a more perfect Union….

Morgan: Wait a minute!  You are reading the Preamble to the Constitution.  Please read the case pertaining to the un-written rules of baseball.

Bailiff: Certainly.  Got carried away there….flashed backed to 5th grade.  Oh….here it is.  We the fans of baseball question Evan Longoria with breaking the un-written rule that you are not allowed to break up a no-hitter with a bunt.  The play in question was during the Mother’s Day game between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Oakland Athletics on May 9, 2010.

Morgan: Thank you Bailiff.  Mr. Longoria how do you plea?

Longoria: This is bush!  This isn’t even a real court!  Who are you?

Morgan: You shut your mouth when I’m talking to you Fake Longoria!

Longoria: What does that even mean?

Morgan: I don’t really know.  I heard Robert De Nero say it in A Bronx Tale.  How do you plead?

Longoria: Who even said that it was an un-written rule?

Morgan: It was this dude, Kevin Kaduk over at Yahoo Sports who alluded to a possible violation.

Longoria: Why isn’t Kaduk on trial here?

Morgan: Because your fake attendance to this fake trial will get more readers to my blog.

Longoria: Dude this is stupid.

Morgan: Please just plead guilty or not guilty.

Longoria: What are you going to do?  Send me to imaginary jail?  Who is in there?  The Joker?  How about those 3 guys from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland? You know, the guys trying to get the keys to the jail from that dog?   What…you going to put me in Monstro’s belly with Pinocchio and Geppetto?  Can I make a phone call to Matlock?

Morgan: Arghhh.  Just plead for cryin’ out loud!

Longoria: Not guilty.

Morgan: Thank you.  Now Mr. Longoria, what was the situation that caused you to bunt?

Longoria: 5th inning.  I was leading off.  We were down by 4.   The A’s third baseman, Kevin Kouzmanoff was back.  So I tried to bunt.

Morgan: Mr. Longoria, you bat 4th for the Rays and you are also on the cover of MLB’s 2K10 video game. Did you know that guys who are on the cover of sports games are supposed to be big run producers, not bunters?

Longoria: I was trying to get on base.  It was the 5th and they were giving it to me.  Besides I tried…it went foul….so I tried to hit and ended up striking out.  No big deal.

Morgan: Ok.  I will adjourn to my chambers and come back with a verdict.  Forget that.  I already know the answer.  Mr. Longoria, please rise.

Longoria: I don’t feel like it.  Just read the decision.

Morgan: In the case of the Un-Written Rulebook vs. Evan Longoria, I find you not guilty of breaking any un-written rule.

The key element is that you were leading off the 5th inning with plenty of game left.  Being down 4 runs still allows your team to tie that game with one hit if the bases become loaded.  Kouzmanoff was giving you the bunt.  There was no reason for you to think that your team, the Rays, could not win at this point.

Mr. Longoria I actually think that this decision took some baseball savvy.  You are showing your commitment to win a game and that is all a team can ask of their leader.  Of course nobody needs to tell you that every single game counts when you play in the American League East.  I wish you good luck the rest of the season.

Longoria: This is easily the stupidest thing that the fake me has ever been a part of.  I’m going to take a fake vacation to fake Tahiti.

Morgan: This court is adjourned!


The Fake Jerry Crasnick

So apparently Jerry Crasnick, a guy who I really like, decided to ask a bunch of Hall of Famer’s what they thought about unwritten rules in baseball.  What?  Hall of Famers? Blyleven should be in the Hall! Dude you need someone who is a little more like the common man bro.  I’m here for you!  So I am having the “Fake Jerry Crasnick” aka Morgan Ensberg ask me these same questions.   You better be wearing some armour Jerry!

1.  Fake Jerry: Morgan you were a hitter.

Morgan: Barely.

Fake Jerry: OK, you occasionally swung a bat.

Morgan: Not really.

Fake Jerry: Morgan…you are interviewing yourself.  Stop being difficult.  You are losing readers.

Morgan: Fake Jerry you are kind of a jerk.  The real Jerry is a cool dude.  You’re lame.

Fake Jerry: I’m you!

Morgan: Then I’m lame.  Get to the question!

Fake Jerry: Fine.  Where were we? Oh, I remember.  A hitter stands at home plate and admires a home run.  Do you hit him?

Morgan: Yes.

Fake Jerry: That’s it?

Morgan: What do you want me to say Fake Jerry?   You wait until there are 2 outs and up by 4 or more runs.  You drill him in the ribs.

Fake Jerry: What if he just sort of admires it?

Morgan: Drill him.

2.  Fake Jerry:  Morgan, the hitter runs across the mound while you are nowhere near it.  Is that an issue?

Morgan: It isn’t a problem as long as going over the mound is the quickest way to get to your destination.   If a guy purposely goes out of his way to go over to the mound then that is different.  That is an act of aggression.

Fake Jerry: What if the hitter crosses the mound while you are standing on it.  Is there a difference?

Morgan: As long as the hitter doesn’t get too close to the pitcher then it is cool.

3.  Fake Jerry: Mo, Is bunting to break up a no-hitter a violation of baseball’s unwritten rules?

Morgan: Teams that are making a playoff run can bunt.  If the game means nothing then no.

4.  Fake Jerry: What’s your response if a hitter calls timeout while a pitcher is in the middle of your windup?

Morgan: I’m not a pitcher genius!  But I have an awesome knuckle ball!  This sort of depends.  If the batter is calling time after the pitcher is shaking his head a bunch of times then it is cool.  That stuff gets old.

5. Fake Jerry:  What do you do if you catch a hitter peeking back at a catcher’s setup, or getting signs relayed to him from a teammate on second base?

Morgan: Drill him.  You never look at the catchers signs ever!  That is way out of line.

6. Fake Jerry: If you think a hitter intentionally leaned over the plate to get hit by a pitch, how do you respond?

Morgan: If a guy gets hit and he is actually over the plate then that isn’t right.  If he chooses to get hit and it isn’t over the plate then that is fine.  You don’t have to get out of the way on a ball.  Pitchers should not get rewarded for missing their spot.

7. Fake Jerry: How offended are you if a hitter takes a big rip at a 3-0 pitch when his team is way ahead?

Morgan: Drill him.  I don’t need to explain that.  You drill him.

Fake Jerry: Special bonus question: If a player on your team gets drilled, are you obligated to respond?

If my player did one of the things mentioned above then he deserves it.  If we hit one of their players for doing something mentioned above, and then their pitcher retaliates….then we drill one of their guys.  You got that one Fake Jerry?  Oh and one more thing. If my teammate gets hit on an off-speed pitch then we don’t retaliate.

Fake Jerry: Thank you for you time Mo.  I don’t know why I didn’t ask you these questions in the first place.

Morgan: That’s because I am not a Hall of Famer Jer!  Keep it real Crasnick!

Fake Jerry: You know I can dig that!  Peace out!