Bruan, Ruh…Roh….and Keyser Söze

In the famous words of Scooby Doo, “Ruh Roh.”  This image of Scooby telling Shaggy that something is wrong echoed in my mind after reading Dino Laurenzi, Jr.’s statement on ESPN Milwaukee’s website.

Let me be real straight before we look deeper into this issue.

I could care less if a player takes or took steroids during their career.

This isn’t some “has-been” who is furious about not being in the game.  This is a “has-been” who wants the truth.  Ok, are we good now that everything is qualified?  Super!

Bring in Söze….

Please join hands and welcome  Keyser Söze aka Roger “Verbal” Kint from the movie, The Usual Suspects.  For those of you who haven’t seen the movie…shame on you.  And, since I am not a movie spoiler, you will just have to rent it to see why he is here.

To the statements!

Statement 1:  “there were a lot of things that we learned about the collector, about the collection process, about the way that the entire thing worked that made us very concerned and very suspicious about what could have actually happened.”

Scooby:  Ruh Roh… Did he just bring the collector into question?  Won’t the collector have to make a comment?

Söze:  That was a mistake.  Always blame the process.  That keeps the discussion subjective.  You can always find someone to agree with you no matter what if you keep it subjective.  Now the collector will make a statement and this could backfire.

Statement 2:  “I am a 1983 graduate of the University of Wisconsin and have received Master Degrees from the University of North Carolina and Loyola University of Chicago. My full-time job is the director of rehabilitation services at a health care facility. In the past, I have worked as a teacher and an athletic trainer, including performing volunteer work with Olympic athletes.

“I am a member of both the National Athletic Trainers’ Association and the Wisconsin Athletic Trainers’ Association.

“I have been a drug collector for Comprehensive Drug Testing since 2005 and have been performing collections for Major League Baseball’s Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment Program since that time. I have performed over 600 collections for MLB and also have performed collections for other professional sports leagues. I have performed post-season collections for MLB in four separate seasons involving five different clubs.

Scooby:  Ruh Roh…Two Masters degrees?  That sounds official.

Söze:  Problem…the guy is qualified out of the ying-yang.  People don’t just get two masters degrees.  Even if this guy is the biggest flake, the public thinks this is a guy who is a finisher.

Who is advising Braun?  Did they do any research on the qualifications of the collector?  Well, people are still human.  Maybe he made a major error in the collection process.

Statement 3:  “I sealed the bottles containing Mr. Braun’s A and B samples with specially-numbered, tamper-resistant seals, and Mr. Braun signed a form signifying, among other things, that the specimens were capped and sealed in his presence and that the specimen identification numbers on the top of the form matched those on the seals.

“I placed the two bottles containing Mr. Braun’s samples in a plastic bag and sealed the bag. I then placed the sealed bag in a standard cardboard Specimen Box which I also sealed with a tamper-resistant, correspondingly-numbered seal placed over the box opening. I then placed Mr. Braun’s Specimen Box, and the Specimen Boxes containing the samples of the two other players, in a Federal Express Clinic Pack.

“None of the sealed Specimen Boxes identified the players. I completed my collections at Miller Park at approximately 5:00 p.m. Given the lateness of the hour that I completed my collections, there was no FedEx office located within 50 miles of Miller Park that would ship packages that day or Sunday.

“Therefore, the earliest that the specimens could be shipped was Monday, October 3. In that circumstance, CDT has instructed collectors since I began in 2005 that they should safeguard the samples in their homes until FedEx is able to immediately ship the sample to the laboratory, rather than having the samples sit for one day or more at a local FedEx office. The protocol has been in place since 2005 when I started with CDT and there have been other occasions when I have had to store samples in my home for at least one day, all without incident.”

Scooby:  Ruh Roh….what are tamper resistant seals?

Söze:  Bad…..bad…bad….they’re dead.  Sounds like the guy followed protocol.  He has Braun’s initials on both samples.  The samples were sealed in a box with another tamper resistant seal?  Bad…bad…bad.

The collector has painted a picture of someone who does things the right way.  He has those two masters degrees and proof of following protocol in 600 previous instances.  Again, he might be the biggest liar in the world, but the public is going to believe him.

Wait….Braun still has a chance.  The samples are in tamper-resistant containers inside a bag inside a tamper resistant box right?  Oh…never mind…he’s in trouble.

Final Thoughts

Scooby:  I would like a Scooby Snack.

Söze:  The problem with this whole thing is that the samples got to the lab intact.  If there was any visible evidence that the samples had been tampered with they would have immediately cried “foul.”  And no the lab wouldn’t need video replay to determine that the sample was “foul”  you “smart aleck.”  The lab also doesn’t know or care whose sample they are testing.

So after all of these statements, Braun believes that someone opened the seals and put something in the sample.  The only person who could have done that was the collector or a random lab tech who wanted to choose some sample of a person they don’t know and sprinkle in some testosterone that they brought in their pocket and placed in their lab coat.  That seems likely.

Message to Braun

Ryan, someone is either out to get you or you are not telling the truth.  I think you took something over the counter that “could” raise testosterone or maybe not.  You were probably feeling the pressure of leading the Brewers into the playoffs for the first time in a long time.  People will understand.  We don’t think that you are a steroid user….we think you took something one time at the end of a season to get through playoffs.

Ryan, everyone I talk to says you are a great guy.  They say that you have a huge heart and I believe them.  I think you are completely natural except for this “hiccup.” If you hadn’t accidentally said, “there were a lot of things that we learned about the collector,”  then there probably wouldn’t be as big of an issue.  But, you did bring the collector into this and now his integrity is being questioned just like yours.  The problem is that he is a “little fish” and he has spent part of his career doing a job that requires integrity for his employment.

I beg you to find out who tampered with your sample.  This is no longer about you, it is about Dino Laurenzi Jr’s integrity.

---